I encountered by chance the following comment that I may call a poem, while I was listening to music.

The nickname was 루라라;

I wish I had a chance to live in a countryside. I was born in Seoul and I grew up in Seoul. My nostalgic memories always include huge numbers of people and loud music in surroundings. Everything around me changes year by year; Starbucks recently replaced the playground that I had visited every day during my childhood. The parents and the teachers always talk about competition, college applications, developments, grades, and improvements. I'm changing the school almost every two years for the "better education." I'm now tired of getting awkward with the friends that I had and looking for new friends, getting used to a new school, changing the language that I use in the school (since I moved to an International School from a Korean school), and all the other things that never stays together with me. I yearn for a life with quietness, simplicity, and permanency. I want a place that would stay the same even after my death - a place without mad desires for changes and competitions - a place with the friends that I will never lose.

It really goes well with the music, the thumbnailed image. It reminds of Dead Poets Society in Western culture. A few weeks ago, I once pondered myself whether I might be the type as the writer, which is the reason that the comment resonates with me, I guess.

The original address is

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDH_nJM3djc

대충 보름쯤 전에 귀국하자마자 헉슬리의 『멋진 신세계』를 빌렸다. 조지 오웰의 『1984』를 재미있게 읽었던 기억으로 기대가 컸고 또 그만큼 재미있게 읽었다. 이것과 최근에 읽기 시작한 김홍중 씨의 『마음의 사회학』을 통해 ‘아, 내가 진짜 평소에 독서가 아주 부족했구나’라 느낀다. 부끄럽다(는 또 9월부터 정신없는 일상의 시작이니...).

헉슬리는 ‘야만국’과 ‘비야만국’, 두 세계를 설정하고 책 중후반에는 두 세계의 충돌을 그린다. 이것저것 생각해봤으나, 두 세계는 충돌할 수밖에 없었다. 애초에 헉슬리가 설정해 놓은 비야만국에서는 ‘질문’이 일어날 수 없기 때문에 두 세계는 절대 양립할 수 없다. ‘하나를 얻으면 하나를 잃는다’는 논리가 저변에 깔려있다.

헉슬리는 디스토피아를 그리려 했다. 이것이 왜 나에게까지 디스토피아여야 하는가 까지는 조금 더 생각해봤는데 사실 요런 질문 전체가 내가 독일에서 하던 생각과 거의 같았다. 인간성이 말살된 디스토피아. 그렇다면 인간성이란 무엇인가. 이것 역시 작품 안에서 비야만국과 대조되면서 잘 드러나 있다. 인간성을 다시 개인 차원으로 생각해보니, 내가 독일에서 하던 생각이 온통 인간성에 대한 생각이라 정리할 수 있었다. 동시에 이것은 내게 충격처럼 전해지면서 마치 어떤 세계를 접했다는 인상도 받았다. 그 세계에는 이미 알만한 거장들이 많이 있었다. 다시 이러한 인식 아래에서 조금 더 생각해보고 나서야 왜 헉슬리가 비야만국을 디스토피아로 그린 것인지 공감할 수 있었다. 내 평소의, 독일에서의 생각과 잘 들어맞았다(사실, 인문에서 인간성을 논하는 것이야 당연하다. 헉슬리의 작품이 주목받는 것은 이것을 표현하는 방법 자체에 있다고 본다. 헉슬리는 비야만국에 더 초점을 두었다. 비야만국을 더욱 부각시키기 위해서 어쩌면 가장 고전인 셰익스피어를 택했는지도 모른다. 독서가 부족했던 나는 그 전에 인간성, 인문에 대해 먼저 생각해봐야함은 당연한 과정이다).

『마음의 사회학』을 읽기 시작한 요즘에는 지식인들의 생각엔 동서고금을 막론하고 어딘가 일맥상통하는 구석이 있음을 느낀다. 같은 본능을 가진 비슷한 유형의 인간으로서 인간, 인간성, 인간화, 인간다움, 인문을 고민하기 때문일게다. 책이 생소한 나에게는 약간은 편협하고 오만한 그들만의 생각으로 보이기도 했다. 기존에 내가 했던, 오만하고 편협하고 유치한 줄 알았던 나의 생각이 책을 읽음으로써 그들의 생각과 아주 비슷한 것을 보고 놀랐기 때문이다. 한편으로는 반가웠고, 마치 나의 커뮤니티를 찾은 느낌이었다. 독일에서 허용된 여유 덕택에 나는 내 나름대로 생각을 많이 했던 것이다.

물론 그들의 생각은 훨씬 깊었다. 특히 김홍중 씨는 현재의 한국을 너무나도 잘 그려냈다. 김홍중 씨의 묘사는 추상적인 언어로 이루어져있지만, 가까이 있는 실생활로부터 공감을 이끌어낼 만큼 아주 구체적인 지적이다. 계속하여 비슷한 맥락의 말이지만, 여러 인용들을 보아, 최근의 한국의 지식인들 사이에서 한국 사회에 대해 어느 정도 생각에 합의가 이루어진 것 같았다. 일단 적어도 나의 경험과 생각과는 같은 방향이다.

『마음의 사회학』을 읽을 때 ‘스놉(Snob)’이란 표현이 너무 직접적인 것이 아닌가 했다. 얼마 안 되어 ‘스놉’과 ‘고급스놉’으로 나누어 설명하긴 하지만 앞에 ‘고급’이 붙어봤자 직접적인 느낌은 여전히 지울 수가 없다. 대부분의 (한국, 또는 대량소비사회) 사람들은 고급스놉일 것이다. 단어의 직접적인 느낌은 마치 그들을 폄하하는 듯한, 그런 인상을 준다(‘고급’조차 붙지 않는 ‘스놉’은 나는 별로 신경 쓰지 않는다. 같은 인간으로서 존중하지 않고 거의 경멸한다. 소위 말하는 ‘교양 없는’ 사람들이다.). 그들도 그들 나름의 삶을 살아가는 사람들인데 그런 (약간의) 폄하가 나한텐 약간 불편하다(물론 김홍중 씨도 폄하의 의도는 없었을 것이다. 읽다보면 ‘고급스놉’의 유래가 자연스럽기도 하니까 말이다. 이런 면에선 어쩌면 ‘스놉’이란 표현도 일부러 영어로 돌려서 표현한 것인지도 모르겠다. 물론 개념을 새로 조명하기 위해 다른 용어를 선택했다고 써져있지만.). 그런데, 유감히도 김홍중 씨의 묘사에 나는 공감을 한다(너무 무비판적으로 받아들이는 것 아닌가 하면서도 워낙 내 관찰과 잘 들어맞기에... 일단 책의 초반이기도 하다.). 여기서 교육의 역할에 대해서도 자연스럽게 생각해보게 된다.

내가 생각하는 교육의 본질은 사람들로 하여금 사유하게 하는 데에 있다. 사유란 스스로 생각하는 것이며, 내면을 성찰하는 것이고, 인간을 가장 인간답게 하는 것이다. 대부분의 사람들은 교육에 영향을 많이 받을 것이다. 지금의 한국 교육은, 분위기로만 보았을 때, 내가 생각하는 교육과는 거리가 멀다. 현재 한국 교육이야 뭐, 말도 많고 탈도 많은 문제다. 내 비슷한 생각을 하는 사람도, 실제로 노력하는 사람도 많을 것이다. 안타까울 뿐이다.

오랜만에 다시 읽었는데 초반부 대화부분은 진짜 오글...

그래도 조금씩 상황전개되니까 나아지긴 했다.

김하인 작가의 작품은 너무 비극적인 게 많다.

책을 읽을 때 요즘, 묘사 대상도 상상하면서 읽지만은, 그거를 이렇게 묘사해내나 감탄하면서 읽는다.

The main story of this movie was made by Matt Damon, as he was doing an assignment in Harvard.

WILL

Do you ever wonder what your life would

be like if you never met your wife?

SEAN

What? Do I wonder if I'd be better

off if I never met my wife?

Will starts to clarify his question.

SEAN (cont'd)

No, that's okay. It's an important

question. 'Cause you'll have your bad

times, which wake you up to the good

stuff you weren't paying attention to.

And you can fail, as long as you're

trying hard. But there's nothing worse

than regret.

WILL

You don't regret meetin' your wife?

SEAN

Why? Because of the pain I feel now?

I have regrets Will, but I don't regret

a singel day I spent with her.

WILL

When did you know she was the one?

SEAN

October 21, 1975. Game six of the

World Series. Biggest game in Red Sox

history, Me and my friends slept out

on the sidewalk all night to get

tickets. We were sitting in a bar

waiting for the game to start and in

walks this girl. What a game that

was. Tie game in the bottom of the

tenth inning, in steps Carlton Fisk,

hit a long fly ball down the left

field line. Thirty-five thousand fans

on their feet, screamin' at the ball

to stay fair. Fisk is runnin' up the

baseline, wavin' at the ball like a

madman. It hits the foul pole, home

run. Thirty-five thousand people

went crazy. And I wasn't one of them.

WILL

Where were you?

SEAN

I was havin' a drink with my future wife.

WILL

You missed Pudge Fisk's homerun to

have a drink with a woman you had never

met?

SEAN

That's right.

WILL

So wait a minute. The Red Sox haven't

won a World Series since nineteen

eighteen, you slept out for tickets,

games gonna start in twenty minutes,

in walks a girl you never seen before,

and you give your ticket away?

SEAN

You should have seen this girl. She

lit up the room.

WILL

I don't care if Helen of Troy walked

into that bar! That's game six of the

World Series!

Sean smiles.

WILL (cont'd)

And what kind of friends are these?

They let you get away with that?

SEAN

I just slid my ticket across the table

and said "sorry fellas, I gotta go see

about a girl."

WILL

"I gotta go see about a girl"? What

did they say?

SEAN

They could see that I meant it.

WILL

You're kiddin' me.

SEAN

No Will, I'm not kiddin' you. If I

had gone to see that game I'd be in

here talkin' abouta girl I saw at a

bar twenty years ago. And how I always

regretted not goin' over there and

talkin' to her. I don't regret the

eighteen years we were married. I

don't regret givin' up couseling for

six years when she got sick. I don't

regret being by her side for the last

two years when things got real bad.

And I sure as Hell don't regret missing

that damn game.

A beat. Will is impressed.

WILL

Would have been nice to catch that

game though.

SEAN

(breaking)

Well hell, I didn't know Pudge was

gonna hit the home run.

They laugh.

The clip is from NakulVeryCool, Youtube.

I remember a few conversations between Sean and WIll, like above, remain in my memory.

CUT TO:

INT. SEAN'S OFFICE -- DAY

Will and Sean sit in silence. A long moment passes. Sean

casually reclines in his chair, disinterested. Will restlessly

looks around the room and then back to Sean. An odd half smile crosses Sean's face. After a moment:

WILL

You know, I was on this plane once.

And I'm sittin' there and the captain

comes on and is like "we'll be cruising

at 35,000 feet," and does his thing,

then he puts the mike down but forgets

to turn it off. Then he says "man,

all I want right now is a blow-job and

a cup of coffee." So the stewardess

goes runnin' up towards the cock-pit

to tell him the mike's still on, and

this guy in the back of the plane goes

"don't forget the coffee!"

SEAN

(smiles)

You've never been on a plane.

WILL

I know, but the joke's better if I

tell it in the first person.

A beat.

WILL (cont'd)

I have been laid you know.

Sean smiles.

SEAN

Yeah? You got a lady now?

WILL

Yeah, I went on a date last week.

SEAN

How'd it go?

WILL

Fine.

SEAN

Well, are you going out again?

WILL

I don't know.

SEAN

Why not?

WILL

Haven't called her.

SEAN

Jesus Christ, you are an amateur.

WILL

I know what I'm doing. She's different

from the other girls I met. We have a

really good time. She's smart,

beautiful, fun...

SEAN

So Christ, call her up.

WILL

Why? So I can realize she's not so

smart. That she's boring. You don't

get it. Right now she's perfect, I

don't want to ruin that.

SEAN

And right now you're perfect too.

Maybe you don't want to ruin that.

Will says nothing.

SEAN (cont'd)

Well, I think that's a great philosophy

Will, that way you can go through your

entire life without ever having to

really know anybody.

Sean looks directly at Will, who looks away. A beat.

SEAN (cont'd)

My wife used to turn the alarm clock

off in her sleep. I was late for work

all the time because in the middle of

the night she'd roll over and turn the

damn thing off. Eventually I got a

second clock and put it under my side

of the bed, but it got to where she was

gettin' to that one too. She was

afraid of the dark, so the closet light

was on all night. Thing kept me up

half the night. Eventually I'd fall

asleep, out of sheer exhaustion and

not wake up when I was supposed to

cause she'd have already gotten to my

alarms.

Will smiles, Sean takes a beat.

SEAN (cont'd)

My wife's been dead two years, Will.

And when I think about her, those are

the things I think about most. Little

idiosyncrasies that only I knew about.

Those made her my wife. And she had

the goods on me too. Little things I

do out of habit. People call these

things imperfections Will. It's just

who we are. And we get to choose who

we're going to let into out weird

little worlds. You're not perfect.

And let me save you the suspense, this

girl you met isn't either. The question

is, whether or not you're perfect for

each other. You can know everything

in the world, but the only way you're

findin' that one out is by giving it a

shot. You sure won't get the answer

from an old fucker like me. And even

if I did know, I wouldn't tell you.

Will smiles. A beat.

WILL

Why not? You told me every other

fuckin' thing. You talk more than any

shrink I ever met.

Sean laughs.

SEAN

I teach this shit, I didn't say I knew

how to do it.

WILL

You ever think about gettin' remarried?

SEAN

My wife's dead.

WILL

Hence, the word remarried.

SEAN

My wife's dead.

WILL

Well I think that's a wonderful

philosophy, Sean. That way you can go

through the rest of your life without

having to really know anyone.

A beat. Sean smiles.

SEAN

Time's up.

The clip is from APOYS, Youtube.

One of my favorites.

CUT TO:

EXT. BOSTON COMMON -- MINUTES LATER

Sean and Will sit in the bleachers at the mostly empty park. They look out over a small pond, in which a group of schoolchildren on a field trip ride the famous Swan Boats.

WILL

So what's with this place? You have a

swan fetish? Is this something you'd

like to talk about?

SEAN

I was thinking about what you said to

me the other day, about my painting.

I stayed up half the night thinking

about it and then something occured

to me and I fell into a deep peaceful

sleep and haven't thought about you

since. You know what occurred to me?

WILL

No.

SEAN

You're just a boy. You don't have the

faintest idea what you're talking about.

WILL

Why thank you.

SEAN

You've never been out of Boston.

WILL

No.

SEAN

So if I asked you about art you could

give me the skinny on every art book

ever written...Michelangelo?

You know a lot about him I bet. Life's

work, criticisms, political aspirations.

But you couldn't tell me what it smells

like in the Sistine Chapel. You've

never stood there and looked up at

that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked

you about women I'm sure you could

give me a syllabus of your personal

favorites, and maybe you've been laid

a few times too. But you couldn't

tell me how it feels to wake up next

to a woman and be truly happy. If I

asked you about war you could refer me

to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional

material, but you've never been in

one. You've never held your best

friend's head in your lap and watched

him draw his last breath, looking to

you for help. And if I asked you about

love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never

looked at a woman and been truly

vulnerable. Known that someone could

kill you with a look. That someone

could rescue you from grief.

That God had put an angel on Earth

just for you. And you wouldn't know

how it felt to be her angel. To have

the love be there for her forever.

Through anything, through cancer. You

wouldn't know about sleeping sitting

up in a hospital room for two months

holding her hand and not leaving because

the doctors could see in your eyes

that the term "visiting hours" didn't

apply to you. And you wouldn't know

about real loss, because that only

occurs when you lose something you

love more than yourself, and you've

never dared to love anything that much.

I look at you and I don't see an

intelligent confident man, I don't see

a peer, and I don't see my equal. I

see a boy. Nobody could possibly

understand you, right Will? Yet you

presume to know so much about me because

of a painting you saw. You must know

everything about me. You're an orphan,

right?

Will nods quietly.

SEAN (cont'd)

Do you think I would presume to know

the first thing about who you are

because I read "Oliver Twist?" And I

don't buy the argument that you don't

want to be here, because I think you

like all the attention you're getting.

Personally, I don't care. There's

nothing you can tell me that I can't

read somewhere else. Unless we talk

about your life. But you won't do

that. Maybe you're afraid of what

you might say.

Sean stands,

SEAN (cont'd)

It's up to you.

And walks away.

The clip is fromBiSONN16, Youtube.

뿌넝숴, 불능설, '말할 수 없다'.

'말할 수 없다'

" .........책에 씌어진 얘기가 아니라 두눈으로 보이는 것에 대해 얘기하게나. 두눈으로 보이는 그 광경이 무엇을 뜻하는지 온몸으로 말해보게나. 뿌넝숴. 뿌넝숴. 그런말이 터져 나올때까지 들려주게나. 도저히 말로 설명할 수 없는 얘기들을 내게 말해보게나. 그럼 자네가 어떤 사람인지, 어떤 운명을 타고났는지 내가 말해줄테니까. 책에 씌어진 얘기말고. 자네 몸으로 겪은 얘기....."

'뿌넝숴, 뿌넝숴, ...'라고 중얼거릴 뿐 다른 말은 하지 못함은 어쩌면 그럴 수 밖에 없는 것이다.

텍스트를 읽는 동안에 김연수 작가의 굉장히 생생한 재생에 흠뻑 빠져 읽엇다. 화자가 겪은, 말로 할 수 없는, 경험들을 정말로 말로 풀어 들려주는 듯함이 아주 인상적이엇다. 도리어 감정이입을 하지 않는게 어려울 정도다.

여튼 이 책을 강력 추천한다. 몰입이 어렵지 않을 것이면 오래 걸리지 않아 다 읽을 것이다.

뿌넝숴는 작년 2학기 때 김민정 교수님이 하시는 현대한국문학의 이해에서 읽어야할 텍스트 중 하나엿는데, 이 작품과 같이 걸린 질문 타이틀이 '역사에 대한 질문'이다. 이 질문에 맞게 생각해보면, 역사의 현장에 잇던 주인공(화자)가 직접 들려주는 역사와 기록된 역사는 서로 다를 수 잇다고 생각해본다.

3학년 들어서야 조금씩 의미를 파악하고 잇고 조금씩 철학적인 생각을 한다고 생각하므로 어쩌면 지금이나 다음 학기 쯤 이 과목을 들으면 더욱 도움이 될런지 모르겟다. 에세이 썻을 때는 어리더라도 정말 내 생각을 썻는데 김민정 교수님이 읽으시면서 무슨 생각을 햇을까. 어쩌면 스무살에 맞게 귀엽다고도 생각을 햇을 법하고 동시에 학생들의 이런 생각들을 꽤 소중히 여기셧을 듯 하다.

흠... 진짜 4학년 1학기때 청강만이라도 해볼까.

내가 본 가장 재미잇엇던 액션 첩보 영화 본 얼티메이텀.

맷 데이먼 주연.

아버지가 첩보 영화 좋아하셔서 따라보다가 나 역시 빠져들게 되엇다.

생각해보니 아버지도 맷 데이먼 좋아하시네 ㅋㅋ

런던 공항 씬.

오토바이 씬. 

여주인공.

결말.

마지막에 살아잇을 때 소름 ㅋㅋ

내 지금껏 제일 재밋게 본 영화 중 하나.

내가 가장 좋아하는 배우인 맷 데이먼과 숀 맥과이어.

이 장면에서 주옥같은 명대사들이 많이 나온다.

초반에 수학천재로 나와서 어릴 때 끌려서 봣는데 주제는 수학과 거의 상관없다.

감동적인 휴먼 드라마. 5번은 족히 본 듯하다.

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